Behaviour

Lessons

Introduction

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

Lesson 4

Intimacy Zone

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"Behaviour" Defined

be·hav·iour or be·hav·ior
[bz'heivjuhr] n.
1 a way of acting; actions; acts: His sullen behaviour showed that he was angry.
2 manners; deportment. 3 the observable reaction of an animal or plant to stimulation. 4 the way of functioning of a machine.
Syn. 1. See note at conduct.
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The 1998 Canadian & World Encyclopedia, copyright © 1997 by McClelland & Stewart Inc.
Gage Canadian Dictionary. Copyright © 1997 by Gage Educational Publishing Company.

My observations of my own children, others children other adults and ultimately of myself lead me to conclude we have developed one particular habit to the level of "human nature." When challenged by someone else regarding something we just did, we prefer to say "It wasn't my fault. He/she made me do it."

Perhaps nothing, short of violence, destroys the potential for intimacy more than the unwillingness to own up for one's behaviour.

"You make me so mad"   

"Don't push my buttons."    

"Why'd you make me do that?"

Given that your intimate relationship is based on choice and equality, an agreement you made at the beginning of this workbook, your partner does not "make" you anything.

This assertion is not usually hard for us to make. That is, unless our thoughts and feelings get in the way. Or I should say, unless we let our thoughts and feelings get in the way.

Perhaps no better elaboration of how thoughts and feelings get in the way of owning our behaviour has been offered than that by Albert Ellis.

He developed what is now called "RBT" or "Rational Behaviour Therapy." The model that works best for me, and the many couples and individuals that I have counselled, is what he termed the "A, B. C's."

"A" stands for antecedent condition, what happened first or what you observe just before you are feeling mad for example. You may have already behaved in an undesirable way ( to your partner) already also. The feeling or behaviour he calls "C" or consequence. For example, remember the youth returning home after curfew. The parent starts yelling at him or her. With respect to the parent, the antecedent condition is the youth coming in the door. The consequence is the loud voice and the choice words, rather the "chosen words." Most of us who have ever been in such a situation would be quick to say "A" caused "C". "The kid made me so mad." By the way, the issue here is not that it is wrong or even hard to understand how a parent might feel in this circumstance. We are getting at a principle of responsibility for one's behaviour. ( Talking is a behaviour by the way.)

I hope by now your mind is wondering what the "B" stands for. Let me end the suspense. The "B" stands for belief system. The real cause of the behaviour - yelling- or the feeling - anger- is what you believe about what has occurred. Ring any bells? The parent is eating the menu!

The degree to which we react to an antecedent condition is directly related to the beliefs we hold about what we just observed or experienced or were told. Ellis instructs us to ferret out all "irrational beliefs." What are "irrational beliefs"? The "should's", the "must's", the "have to's"and the "Ican't stand it!". He encourages us to talk of strong preferences rather than absolute necessities. Of course there are some of the latter, but they are relatively few compared to preferences. For example we must breathe. There are no substitutes! But there are many kinds of food. And although we must eat, we can exercise a vast range of preferences. The problems that people describe in their relationships are matters of the menu, not the meal. They are preferences. They are not the "meal" itself.