Lesson 3

I Am Willing to be Known

Lessons

Introduction

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

Lesson 4

Intimacy Zone

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It may seem obvious that we enter relationships to become known or to express ourselves. In my experience, an intimate relationship is one of the best places, or can be one of the best places, to get to know oneself. In relationship with another person we can explore the many facets of who we are in what is hopefully the safest and most permission giving and supportive environment.

Yet many relationships end because a person feels closed down, a stranger to their partner or stuck. The exchange of energy stops. If we think of intimacy as high energy, the cessation of energy kills the potential for intimacy.

When we are unhappy in our relationship, or less happy than we want, a crucial place to look is at our own level of expressiveness. An exercise I offer to couples in the workshops I offer helps expose the holding back that occurs in intimate partnerships.

Myself and my life partner offer workshops for couples where the intent is to enhance their capacity for intimacy. In the beginning of the workshop, I ask then to sit with their partner. They are instructed to tell each other what led them to come to the weekend, what they want out of it and what they want from their partner. Each takes a turn telling the other. Then I ask each to sit quietly and close their eyes. Next, with eyes closed, I ask each to review the conversation they just had, paying close attention to what they said to their partner, not on what they heard in response. As the conversation unfolds, I ask them to notice what they didn't say, what they censored. I encourage them to repeat this silent process several times, each time looking ever more closely at what they left out. After a few minutes I ask them to open their eyes and tell their partner what they noticed.

Participants are amazed at how much they left out. Two reasons are given. Often people say they are so focused on giving a response to what the partner says, they don't take the time to look inside deeply. Others also voice their reluctance and sometimes fear of saying how they really think and feel lest their partner is angry, offended or not interested. As the couples share these discoveries, they often re-commit to communicating more deeply as a mainstay of their relationship.

I strongly encourage you to do this exercise with your partner before moving on with this lesson.