When a couple first enters therapy, I ask them to describe to each other, not to me, what brought them in to see me. As simple as this sounds, it is very hard for them to do. What happens is that they begin to talk to me rather than each other. After a few redirections, they each begin to talk about their understanding of what is wrong in the relationship.

As you might guess, most people describe how their partner is missing the mark, letting them down or being an outright pain in the ass!

Such openness is necessary. Yet as their temperatures rise, as they escalate the complaints, I interrupt them. I casually ask if the dialogue that I am witnessing is new to them or more of the same thing that goes on in the privacy of their home. Same old pattern. I liken the receptive pattern of their conversation to a pony track. As the pony goes round and round, the tracks get deeper and deeper; the shit gets piled higher and higher until all they can see is each other and a lot of crap! I hope you get the picture. Does it remind you of anything?

It is at this point in the process that I ask them to complete their first homework assignment. It is conveniently about time to end the session. I use homework for its practical purpose of learning, but also to set the context for our work together. Mainly, they do the work. I am a coach, albeit a very curious one.

I clarify if both are willing to do homework. I have never had anyone say no. Mind you, not every one does it the first time I ask.

Are you willing to do your homework? If so, proceed. If not, ask yourself why. Although you may benefit from browsing through this material, you will achieve much greater success if you complete all your homework.

Homework Assignment One