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Deepening Your Knowing |
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Marriage Enrichment
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I said earlier that being in a relationship is perhaps the most profound way of learning about oneself. The paired intimate relationship is itself perhaps the relationship in which this self knowledge can be maximized. However, for true intimacy to have an opportunity to flourish, the self deepening of self knowledge parallels the depth of knowing one's partner. As you endeavor to know your partner better, keep allowing an openness to self discovery. Notice if a little voice in you contends that such self discovery is "indulgent" or "selfish." If you balance both directions of knowing, you will dramatically increase the opportunity for and the quality of intimacy in your relationship. Assignment I I ask couples to complete the following task. As you look upon the genogram of your family, going back at least two generations, tell your partner what you learned about dealing with disagreements. did your parents argue? If so, was it in the open, behind closed doors, underground, calm, viscous, loud, quiet, brief, ongoing, eruptive, simmering and so on. Tell each other what lessons you learned (or didn't learn). did either of you make conscious decisions to do it the same way or do it differently? As you tell each other about your experience in your family of origin, pay close attention to what you are feeling and thinking,; notice what is difficult to share. If there are times from your past that are just to difficult to discuss, rather than keeping it all in, let your partner know that there are times that are difficult to discuss. risk disclosing just that much now. you may be able to go deeper later. If you hear your partner requesting a need to keep some things to her/himself, be very respectful of this need. Notice that most people develop a style or characteristic response to disagreement. Often it is patterned after one of our parents. It might also be a reaction to the style of one of our parents. However, it could be a mixture. Ask your partner how he/she feels when receiving your style and tell your partner how it is for you to be on the receiving end of his/hers. If you discover that your style or that of your partner is not helpful or conducive to developing intimacy, you are most likely playing at Crap Table # 1 in some form or another. The chart below will help you understand your own and your partner's style of dealing with conflict. You may not fit exactly into any one style. Where you do not fit into the "assertive" style, you have some work to do! Individual Styles of conflict
What did your partner (or yourself) learn
about sexuality?
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