In a relationship

Lessons

Introduction

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

Lesson 4

Intimacy Zone

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Share your list with your partner. Ask if he/she will do a list as well. Share them.

In the session, I ask each partner to write their list on one half of my flipchart. It is interesting to watch how they negotiate sharing the flip chart. Do they write together? Do they jostle over space? Do they take turns? Do they have any fun?

For examples of lists compiled by other couples, click here.

As you can see from the examples, many of the same words come up from one couple to another. For the most part, we all have similar expectations about our relationship.

Check your understanding of what your partner has written. Encourage your partner to check what you have written. Try not to assume you know what each other means. Especially words like "love", "trust", "commitment" and "communication" end up meaning sometimes slightly and often vastly different things to partners in a relationship.

Often the meanings we give to these words reflect our cultural and family background. One or both are different for all couples.

Even though many lists will look similar, the couples coming for therapy are very unhappy with their relationships. The degree of similarity of the lists may be in stark contrast to the expressed despair about the relationship. Why is it that even though partners say they want the same thing, using similar words to describe their desire, they can be so unhappy and thus confused about their unhappiness? What I think is going wrong is this:

When an "ingredient" is missing, people tend to be evaluating the degree to which their partner demonstrates the quality or behaviour. When the desired quality or expectation is missing, the partner evaluating blames the other. The other partner is seen as the reason the relationship does not work. Then, when the evaluation is negative and expressed thus, i.e. the quality or behaviour is missing, it is not uncommon for the partner being evaluated to take exception to the negative evaluation. Some couples might "agree to disagree". But in my experience, this sense that my "partner and I want something different regarding our relationship" eats away at the confidence of both partners that they will be able to work through their difficulties. Most partners, when evaluated this way, feel insulted, criticized, hurt or angry.

Who has the right idea? 

At this point, often towards the end of the second or third session, I introduce the couple to the "Crap Game of Life."