Lessons

Introduction

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

Lesson 4

Intimacy Zone

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An agreement is observable or measurable in some way. The agreement is based on the behaviour required to achieve the intent. Because it is based on behaviour, both parties can be more likely to agree on whether or not the behaviour occurred in oneself or regarding oneself. Notice that you are evaluating yourself, not your partner. For example, if I agree to be at a certain  restaurant at a specific time, I can reasonably know if I show up or not. So could the person with whom I make the agreement. If I am there and the other person is not or arrives late, I can blame that person or not. I make a choice. If I am the one late, I can acknowledge responsibility for breaking the agreement.

Make your agreements based on behaviour or actions that can be observed.

1.  Agreements = observable behaviour

The second principle of agreements is that they be based on a reasonable time frame.

Much distress in relationships results form agreements being open in terms of the time allowed or anticipated for completing the agreement. This deficit applies to many of the "essentials" that people place on their lists of essential ingredients for a relationship. I do not mean to suggest that there is anything wrong with wanting "love" or "trust" or "intimacy" as as qualities of your relationship. It is a problem however, if you evaluate the current status of the relationship by the presence or absence of these desired qualities, especially if your approach is to notice that you don't feel "loved" or "intimate" because your partner isn't doing what you would, in that moment, experience as "loving" or "intimate."

I stress again that there is nothing wrong with holding the intent to love someone "forever." Just don't make agreements in the day to day management of your relationship based on agreements that do not have a time frame attached. Remember, you need to be able to determine if you have completed your agreement.

• I will meet you at 6:00 PM.
• I will take the kids to the game and be back by 8:00 PM.
• I will listen to what you are saying and feedback what I think you mean as soon as you finish telling me.
• I will not have sexually intimate contact with another person as long as we continue to live under the same roof.
• I will tell you I have broken our agreement of sexual fidelity before I allow myself to become sexually intimate again with you.

The above examples describe behaviour that is observable that has a time frame attached.

Couples often comment on how "structured" or "stiff" such an approach feels. Remember, I reply, that the reason you move into this format is because you have noticed that you are not having the experience of intimacy in your relationship that you want. This is the reason for adopting the format. If you were in bliss, you wouldn't need to use it!

You are always evaluating your own experience and behaviour in this model when things aren't as you would like them to be. You evaluate the degree to which you are completing your agreements.

Review the agreements you have in your relationship. Are they observable? Are they time limited?

2.  Agreements = time limited

Now sit down with your partner and imagine you are starting "fresh." You are deciding today what agreements around which to build your relationship.

Start by putting them down in point form, like brainstorming. Afterwards, help each other make them about observable behaviour and determine the time frame.

Finally, indicate to which agreements you can say a 100% "yes." If you don't feel 100% about it, don't agree. Extend the same courtesy to your partner. Remember, if you are not willing to hear "no", then you do not have an agreement but rather a demand.

When you have your list of "relationship agreements" that are about observable behaviour and within a time frame, send them to the discussion forum for the benefit of others working on this aspect of relationships.

To learn about broken agreements......