Thoughts

Lessons

Introduction

Lesson 1

Lesson 2

Lesson 3

Lesson 4

Intimacy Zone

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Most of the time we take our thinking process for granted. When we are faced with a specific problem, we "put on our thinking cap" as the first step in coming to terms with the issue before us. If the problem is work related, we may have received training in problem solving specific to the types of situations that may confront us at work.

However, in our most intimate partner relationship, few have ever had any opportunity to learn specific problem solving skills. Yet no where is it more critical than in our intimate partnership to be able to master our thinking process, our thoughts.

What are Thoughts?

At the most basic level, we know thoughts or rather "thinking" can be measured in the brain. I have not found a time when this knowledge has helped me. I have found a model of "thinking" that helps me, and the many couples I have met, a great deal.

First let me set the stage. Imagine you are walking into a restaurant. As the host takes you to your table, your gaze becomes fixed on a customer seated to your left. You watch in disbelief when you see the customer gnawing away on the menu. Your puzzled look tot he host results in the reply, "He always does that. But he pays for the replacement, so we pretend nothing is wrong. Actually, we give him the discontinued menus."

I am sure if asked, you would insist that you never would eat a menu. Yet in my experience with thousands of couples in therapy, "eating the menu" is exactly what they are doing. In the heat of a disagreement or attempt to negotiate a change or commencement of a certain behaviour, a lot of menus get chewed.

I have a graphic that helps me understand this concept that a "thought" is like a menu.